March 4th, 2002


A new, longer day

Like a lot of people in my age group (and zodiac sign,) I am at least vaguely obsessed with mortality. Of course, as a universalist about these sorts of things, I think everyone everywhere is vaguely obsessed with this, as part of the whole big human condition thing. We see it all over history, from architecture to literature.

But I am rambling. For me, personally, this goes hand in hand with a vague obsession over madness. In my youth, the doctors went to some length to explain my bad memory and a couple other medical/mental issues. Nothing was really found, but it got me interested in the topics of memory, the mind, and its diseases. We fear death and are fascinated by it, because it is an inevitable conclusion, and one we are powerless against, the unknown and unknowable. But what about the death of the logical mind, the loss of awareness, a prison from which there is no escape or recovery? What if you were aware of that descent into madness, knowing you think differently that everyone around you, knowing that one day, you won't know all of these things. Gah.

(This is one of the reasons I did not like A Beautiful Mind, as they deal with some of these topics, but in a wholly superficial way. Disappointing to say the least.)

And to this day, I do things I cannot explain, and I feel things I cannot otherwise rationalize. Which troubles me. A lot. I like to think of myself as enlightened to the point of self-awareness. But really, if I can't control what i think or how I feel, or even explain it sometimes, how self-aware can I really be?

This is not an excuse for my behavior, or even a rationalization or confession. I do not mean it to be.

The bad stuff from last week has gotten even worse, suffice it to say.

Sigh. Anyways. Working with tradition, backwards in time.

Fun party for my friend McCool Saturday night. Got to see a lot of old friends from the larp, and some people in the area I have not gotten to see in a while.

Saturday, attended the ultra-dorky GZGECC, a convention centered around a couple scifi miniatures games. Fun, and got to roadtrip with the Magistrate, which is also good. However, if you're looking for an interesting vacation spot, I recommend against Lancaster, PA, because it is awful.

Clubbing was cool, despite a friend being lied to. I wish I could say I told her so, but I was being positive and hopeful, and hoped the liar could change. Leopard, spots, etc. And man, as I am typing this, does it ring home.

Rollerball wasn't as much fun as I hoped it would be, either. Not bad, but not great. If there was a Rollerball TV series, it would verily rule.

Beat back personal mailbox from 2106 (ew) to around 1950. Still lots of work to do. I also discovered we'll be changing over mail systems at work, so I can just wait until then and erase the old mail during the change-o-rama.

MP3: The Cure, "Fascination Street"
Quote: "You have power over your mind - not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength." -Marcus Aurelius